Healing our triggers is not just a gift to our children , it is freedom
Parenting can often feel like a whirlwind of responsibilities, emotions, and challenges. Amidst this chaos, it’s easy to overlook the importance of our inner lives. Inspired by the principles in “Parenting from the Inside Out,” by Dr. Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, we can discover the profound impact of self-awareness on our parenting journey.
By understanding ourselves we give our children the chance to develop their own sense of vitality and the freedom to experience their own emotional worlds without restrictions and fear” – Dan Siegel (Parenting from the Inside Out)
Understanding our Inner World
The foundation of effective parenting lies in the relationship. It is the strength of our relationship with our children that will allow us to influence them. Prosaic as it sounds, the relationship which we develop with ourselves that is the fountain from which we can pour into the relationship with our family. Understanding our own responses, paying attention to our triggers, evaluating our emotions and reflecting on our behaviours and experiences is the first step towards recognising patterns. The more we pay attention, the more likely we are to recognise how our childhood influences the way we show up in our role as parents.
This active process of self-reflection offers us an opportunity to break patterns that no longer serve us or our children today.
Can you tell a coherent story of your life? Is there any gaps, any triggers, any experiences that you have struggled to understand, accept, make sense of, celebrate or even forgive?
As parents, making sense of our past is crucial to how we show up for our children. Our histories shape our perspectives, values, and also affect how we respond to challenges. They come to affect how we interact with our kids. By reflecting on our experiences—both positive and negative—we gain insight into our behaviours and patterns. This self-awareness allows us to break cycles that may not serve our families and fosters healthier relationships. Ultimately, understanding our own stories empowers us to be more present, compassionate, and resilient parents, creating a conscious, nurturing relational experience for our children to flourish.
As the only species capable of language, understanding the narrative of our lives, making a coherent story is central to healing.
By making sense of our stories and creating a coherent narrative, we do not mean we paint a perfectly happy, joyful picture of our childhoods. In fact, the most self-aware adults are those who can acknowledge and describe the pain, the grief, the sadness, the struggles, the process of forgiveness, and healing. The positives and the less desirable aspects alike.
Do you see that the word history contains “story”
Can you tell a coherent story of your life? Is there any gaps, any triggers, any experiences that you have struggled to understand, accept, make sense of, celebrate or even forgive?
As parents, making sense of our past is crucial to how we show up for our children. Our histories shape our perspectives, values, and also affect how we respond to challenges. They come to affect how we interact with our kids. By reflecting on our experiences—both positive and negative—we gain insight into our behaviours and patterns. This self-awareness allows us to break cycles that may not serve our families and fosters healthier relationships. Ultimately, understanding our own stories empowers us to be more present, compassionate, and resilient parents, creating a conscious, nurturing relational experience for our children to flourish.
As the only species capable of language, understanding the narrative of our lives, making a coherent story is central to healing.
By making sense of our stories and creating a coherent narrative, we do not mean we paint a perfectly happy, joyful picture of our childhoods. In fact, the most self-aware adults are those who can acknowledge and describe the pain, the grief, the sadness, the struggles, the process of forgiveness, and healing. The positives and the less desirable aspects alike.
The only way to fix it is to face it
K-Pop Demon Hunters may have popularised this theme by singing out loud, “we can’t fix it if we never face it. Let the past be the past till it’s weightless”. The catchy tunes aside, this really is the only way. Martin Luther King Jr. famously said, “Darkness doesn’t cast out darkness, only light can do that”. Our shadows which might at first glance appear to be crippling, shameful, embarassing, are often the exact features that can serve as our strengths. Gently shining light on those less desirable areas of our lives is a sure way to healing and a start to creating that coherent narrative.
Healing is relational (even the healing within ourselves)
Parenting offers us an incredible opportunity to heal ourselves and grow alongside our children. I am a firm believer that our children serve as mirrors and have come in part to guide us to the true essence of ourselves. All this is possible if we choose to take the opportunity that parenting offers us in raising ourselves as we raise our children.
If you are looking for a a self-paced self-reflective workbook, consider purchasing and working through our journal, “Raising Me to Raise You“. Bite-sized content, evidence-based strategies for any day of the year.
Healing ourselves is not just a gift, it is freedom
It is a gift we offer ourselves. It is a gift we offer our children. And, it doesn’t stop there. It is a gift we offer our future generations. Making sense of our stories, healing ourselves of our pasts not is not freeing just for us. It frees them of the burdens that we unconsciously cast on them from our unresolved pain. So will you join us in this first step today? Here are a few suggestions:
1.Pay attention to your triggers
Triggers are those that cause you to have a heightened reaction. Not a response but a response that contains a “charge”. Take note of these. See if there is a pattern? A trend? A particular topic that elicits this? A particular environment that causes you to respond in a certain way?
2. Take note of how you respond to your child’s difficult emotions
Many of us were raised in environments where difficult, uncomfortable emotions were negated. Common lines include “you are ok”, “it’s not that bad”, “you will be fine”. How do you respond to your child’s uncomfortable emotions? What healing do you need on this topic?
3. Reflect on how you respond to your children when they seek comfort and closeness
Only one-third of us are born and raised with a secure attachment style. This desired attachment style is developed through attuned caregiving, contingent communication, soothing, and emotion coaching during early infancy. These early caregiving experiences become a template for all future relationships. Secure attachment lays a strong foundation for confidence, safe exploration, developing strong social and romantic relationships, trying out new activities, recovering from set-backs and so much more.
Noticing how you respond to you child’s bids for closeness, connection, warmth, comfort, and soothing can offer us insights into our primary attachment styles.
Nerd Alert: While attachment style tends to pass down generations, earned secure attachment is a concept which suggests that irrespective of the attachment style you were born with, it is never too late to develop a secure attachment. This can be done through the support of a loving, supportive partner, through gentle, reflective practice alone, or in the presence of a compassionate professional therapist.
4. Tune in to your Senses
At times, as we go through the rhythms (and often demands) of our days, it is difficult to stop everything and take note of our emotions and rationalise our thoughts. However, our bodies hold so much wisdom. All we need to do is tune in. When you are time poor, try to do this short practice:
S- STOP - breathe, check your SENSATIONS (any sort of sensory stimulus)
I- IMAGES- what images, pictures, colours are you seeing
F- FEELINGS- you might not have time to name and rationalise these. But let these feelings move through your body
T- THOUGHTS- if you have time for this, take the thinking route and check your thoughts. See if they serve you. Consider replacing them with something more constructive.
The story of our children’s lives
Do you know, that talking often, describing their childhoods, having regular meals together, and creating meaningful rituals, traditions increases children’s sense of belonging to the family. It is based on the foundation of connection (before correction), guiding them to a creating coherent narratives of their own lives. No matter where you are right now, here are a few ideas to guide you to help your children start developing their own narratives.
1. Eat meals together regularly
Eat meals together as a family as often as possible. There is no golden rule as to how often, but this is one instance where it can never be too much. Family meals foster community, belonging, shared identity, and creates a sense of safety. A couple of ground rules:
- Make this time screen-free/device free (yes, that also means not eating with the television on)
- Allow this to be a time of sharing not one of receiving unsolicited advice (yes, no lecturing and no judgments)
- Let this be a safe space- nothing shared in confidence at the dinner table gets discussed outside the family table
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At the table, we don’t just share food, we share memories. Family dinners can be the heartbeat of our homes…
2. Print photobooks and look through them often
There’s nothing like printed photos that spark story-telling. These are no ordinary stories. These are stories where their (and your) favourite people are the stars. Look through old photobooks often. Watch your children’s eyes light up. Pay close attention to anything that you notice that might evoke difficult emotions. Talk through them. Talking through the difficult memories is a powerful way to offer real healing to your children (and to yourself).
3. Create family rituals
Rituals spark connection. Explore ways that you can create meaningful rituals both at special occasions but also in the ordinary.
My Love Letter to you Mama…
The greatest gift you can offer your children (and their children), is the gift of your own healing (or even just an attempt towards healing). You have already taken the first step towards healing by reading this far. If you need any further support, please reach out to us.
When parents heal, they create a ripple effect that positively impacts their children and future generations.”
— Dr. Gabor Maté
Written by Lisel Varley
References:
Baerger, D. R., & McAdams, D. P. (1999). Life story coherence and its relation to psychological well-being. Narrative inquiry, 9(1), 69-96.
Saunders, R., Jacobvitz, D., Zaccagnino, M., Beverung, L. M., & Hazen, N. (2011). Pathways to earned-security: The role of alternative support figures. Attachment & human development, 13(4), 403-420.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. Penguin.
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